Unveiling UN-man

Zoe Zane here, reporting for the Weekly Planetoid News Network. There’s a new hero here in Bigopolis, and he’s just apprehended a gang of thugs who may be connected to one of the city’s top crime syndicates. He seemed to appear out of nowhere when the alleged gunmen were making their escape from the First Bigopolis Bank and Trust Company (FiBBATCO).

Moments after this strange visitor showed up, all the stolen cash vanished from the robbers’ hands and then rematerialized inside the vault of the FiBBATCO Building. I’m hoping the new superhero will consent to an interview...Oh, here he is now...Uh, excuse me, sir, are you responsible for the miraculous recovery of the FiBBATCO cash?

“I am. I just moved here to the big city, and felt it was time to reveal myself to the people of earth.”

Oh! So you are not a native of our world?

“No. I was born on the planet Dript-on. It’s a rather dreary world where it’s constantly raining. I moved here mostly for the sunshine.”

Did you visit any other planets before deciding to settle on earth?

“Oh, sure...let me see. I took a short siesta on Napt-on, got bitten by flying wolves on Nipt-on, nearly lost my footing on Tript-on, got tied up by vines on Strapt-on, was covered with crawling weevils on Crept-on, chased by giants on Stept-on…”

Wow! That’s quite a journey! Ever visit Krypton?

“Superman’s planet? Actually, I did stay there awhile before it went kaboom. It had this wonderful health spa...I took a week-long cleansing treatment after my visit to Crapt-on.”

I can understand THAT!

“Now THERE’S a planet where ya gotta watch your step!”

So, what should we call you? I see you have an insignia on your costume, like a “U” and an “N”...are you with the United Nations?

“Nope. U-N is actually my superhero name: I am...the UN-man. The Un-doer of Crime and Criminals!”

Impressive! So, I may call you “UN-man”?

“Yep. That’s me! Whatever bad guys do, I can UN-do.”

And that explains the disappearing, reappearing moolah?

“Exactly. I simply close my eyes and concentrate on whatever was done in the last minute or so, and it undoes itself.”

That’s a very unique ability! Do you have other super-powers? Do you fly, for example?

“No need for that...I just undo the fabric of space-time, and zap myself from place to place, like this…”

Now, where did he...OH! There you are!

“Neat trick, huh?”

Very!

“Of course, you need to be able to SEE where you’re zapping to, or you might end up where I did...on CRAPT-ON!”

Or inside a person, or a solid object…?

“Or in the middle of a Clinton or Trump rally!”

Well, I can see the criminals of Bigopolis are in for a real hard time when you perform your feats of derring-do!

“Derring-UNdo, actually.”

Right. I see you’re wearing a mask. Is that to disguise your secret identity?

“Indeed. If evildoers like Rex Ruthless discovered my alter ego, they could kidnap my significant others and threaten harm to them if I refused to do their bidding!”

Do...do you have a significant other, UN-man?

“Well...not anymore. There was a gal I was fond of years ago; we met on the Klingon planet…”

Too possessive, was she?

“WAY too possessive! She was another reason I settled here. Women here are much more down-to-earth, so to speak. No more serious attachments for yours truly!”

Must’ve broken her heart?

“Naw--I just un-did her memory of our breaking up. Left her a very tender suicide note and then zapped myself outa there.”

Still seems kinda heartless to me…

“Hey, you don’t know how clingy Klingon ladies can be! Besides, taking one’s life over a love affair is a real status symbol there--for the survivor, that is…”

Anyway, we DO appreciate you choosing our li’l old planet.

“Yeah, I feel pretty much at home...especially when it rains a lot.”

Your un-doing power must come in handy for you at times…?

“Actually, I’ve taken a superhero oath NEVER to use my special gift for personal gain...well, never AGAIN, that is.”

C’mon, haven’t you been tempted to be just a tiny bit naughty?

“Oh, I admit I had my share of peccadilloes during my younger, wilder, pre-oath days…”

Such as?

“Like in 7th grade when I un-did Mr. Hoggett’s trousers after he’d emerged from the men’s room…”

Ooh, the kids must have loved that!

“Then there were those wardrobe malfunctions at the Paris fashion show in ‘05…”

YOU caused those??

“Just a button here and a zipper there, and...oops!”

Well, UN-man, speaking for all the women of Bigopolis, I’m glad you have mended your ways.

“Right you are! Unless you are a miscreant masterminding malicious mayhem, you have nothing to fear from ME!”

Can’t you give us a little hint about your secret identity?

“You mean like Clark Kent admitting that he’s Sup- --uh oh!”

You’re kidding! Really??

“Mmmmm...concentrating...Poose-zee-gnittim-dat-neck-cralk-kyle-neem-ooee…”

Can’t you give us a little hint about your secret...wait...what just happened?

“Uhh...nothing!”

You just undid something you said, didn’t you?

“I’m afraid so...just a little slip of the tongue. There are some secrets, Ms. Zane, that should never be given away. Especially to a citywide audience!”

So...no hints about who you are under that mask?

“Sorry, Zoe. Unveiling the UN-man would be UNsafe and UNwise.”

Doesn’t anybody else know your secret? Any wisecracking assistant or a youthful sidekick?

“Hmm. I hadn’t thought about that. Maybe I should start taking applications. Now that I’m out in the open, I might at least need someone to answer the phone.”

Do you think that the crime syndicates will be out gunning for you now? I’m sure that shady industrialist Rex Ruthless will be seeking ways to take you out of commission.

“He already HAS attacked me several times! You just aren’t aware of those ‘cause I undid them and zapped out of harm’s way. It’s a kind of cat-and-mouse game. We each try to stay a step or two ahead of the other. One of these days, no doubt things will come to a head.”

So, you’ve already been using your powers in our midst without our knowing about it?

“Certainly. I’ve been doing a good deed here, stopping a bad one there, then un-doing people’s memories of them, just to get practiced up for my big city debut! When I ran across the creeps who were pulling that bank heist, I figured today was a good day to finally get noticed.”

Well, now that you’re a public figure, how do you plan to go about offering your services? Can the police summon you with a special phone or a signal in the clouds?

“Naw, I’ll just listen to my ultra-mega-super-advanced police scanner. It lets me spy on all the law enforcement agencies...FBI...CIA...IRS...CNN…”

Good grief, UN-man! Is that even legal? Where did you come across a device like that??

“Where else? The planet Snoopt-on.”


MNA
10/25/2016